A Coward and a Fraud
I had the most amazing conversation today via IM with a great friend. He challenged me on a statement that I made....
The statement was something along the lines of "I feel like a fraud".
He, being the great friend, contradicted me and gave me several good reasons why I was not a fraud, and shouldn't look at myself that way. While I totally value his opinion, and agree that his argument has merit, the conversation seemed not only to fail in dissuading me from my position... it solidified it.
Let me tell you what I mean.
The statement was something along the lines of "I feel like a fraud".
He, being the great friend, contradicted me and gave me several good reasons why I was not a fraud, and shouldn't look at myself that way. While I totally value his opinion, and agree that his argument has merit, the conversation seemed not only to fail in dissuading me from my position... it solidified it.
Let me tell you what I mean.
- I explained to him that the reason that I feel like a fraud is that I feel like I present something to the world around me that is inaccurate and dishonest. At work, I have presented myself as capable and competent, and all the while work is being taken off my plate. At Scouts I present myself as a solid patriotic American (and while I love my country dearly, I am not beyond criticizing its leaders and policies. To top it all off, I voted for Barak Obama, and would do so again if it would further his aims and goals for improving this country... )but do I share any of that with the people I associate with in Scouts, Hell No! I was told that I was a pinko and a commie for supporting him (indirectly of course, because I didn't share with anyone who I voted for). In my faith, I never go to church, yet I profess to those that see me to believe (and to top that... not only do I not go to church, but I am constantly questioning what I believe and flirt with all sorts of other systems to find my spritual center... but do I share this challenge with anyone? Nope. Never.
- He argued that we all have things that we keep locked behind the door. The mask that we take out when no-one else is around (I am reminded of the Billy Joel song). That is true. I think we all have this closeted stuff. Why don't we share it? Fear mostly, I think. Fear of upsetting those we love. Fear of failing those we have promised things to. Fear of not being perfect. (I don't, nor have I ever thought, that I am perfect. I know I am not. I don't even aspire to be perfect. I try very hard to be an honest and decent man... that is all... and this leads me to the crux of the issue.
- To be honest, I feel that one should present themselves to those around them as genuinely and honestly as possible. One should stand up and defend their point of view when challenged. One should rely on the courage of their convictions when faced with challenges that mock them or endanger people. Both of these triats require that the person who is honest and decent, also be willing to confront and defend. So, now, I am not only a fraud, but a coward too.
- To his credit, my friend also likes me... and as a friend who likes me, he tries to make me feel better about myself, and I value him for that. I hate to say it, but in this case, not only did he fail to make me feel better, he actually made me feel worse.
I am sure that I will add to this post, as my brain pan empties at the end of the day.
~ickarus maximus
As I re-read this post, it occurs to me that my dear friend will read this and feel guilty for sharing his opinion with me. He will more than likely decide that he should pull back his opinions, hide what he is really thinking from me... because he doesn't want me to feel bad.
ReplyDeleteIf this is true, then I say to him... "Hey"... "you"... "over there feeling sorry for me... knock it off!" Your insight helps me think thru and unravel the twisted meanderings of my mind.
I love ya man, please don't pull back on any idea that you have that you think might help me.
~ickarus maximus
I'm kind of in an opposite position. I ALWAYS tell people my opinion. Most people (even not very good friends) know my religion and who I voted for.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest reason for doing so is to remind people that not everyone is exactly like them. In a way, I feel I'm standing up for more than myself, but for others as well. When one of my aunts sent out a blanket e-mail asking why in the world anyone would like Obama, 2 of my other aunts called me to ask what I would say. They knew that I would weigh in, even at the risk of pissing off many members of my family. I was able to encourage them to stand up and speak out as well.
I feel for you, really I do. But I've never had an option to live any other way. Life's too short to pretend to be something you're not.
But then again, I was never involved with Boy Scouts. Once I saw a troop selling something or other outside of the grocery store and I told the adults "I don't financially support homophobic organizations". Though they probably just heard the homo and thought I didn't like gays. ;)
It is precisely that sentiment that I am having the hardest time with. This organization shouldn't be focusing on the bed room anyway!
ReplyDeleteThere is so much good that the scouts can do, that they are doing it a huge disservice to keep the focus on the bedroom... and not where it should be. On the boys and their development into good leaders with solid skills, and a knowlege of goodness. (I know this is a slippery slope... but one that we can avoid with a shift in how we view people).
I appreciate your statement that life is too short to pretend to be something that we are not. That is my struggle at the moment. Trying to justify to myself why I am here.
Thank you for your input. It is greatly appreciated.
~Ickarus Maximus
Don't forget that the guy who strted the scouts was not only gay, but overly interested in young boys. Even those homophobic right-wingers who you give so much power to must admit that he did something great that still does good, gives pleasure to so many...
ReplyDelete